bridge over troubled water

hearing good old stories [awesomeness + craziness FTW!!! from medschool + internship + residency + relationships + random life events] from full-pledged doctors made me think about my life [as a med student] and I could picture my hypothetical future self patting my back saying 
"young one, you still have a long way to go." 

We just started rotating in the clinics, learning about PE, incorporating clinical skills to come up with differentials, grasping the world of pathology, pharmacology, pathogens and the likes. My premed  [I don't know if I already mentioned about it in my recent posts but anyhoo here it goes] revolved around Biology and there was no need for me to deal with patients. Hence, I am in a disadvantage when we talk about Patient-Doctor interaction. 

But then again, hey! what's med school for?! 

Current status: + Learning Curve. 

I'm taking things slowly but surely. e.g. I don't want to mess up in history taking. Dang! It's pretty hard at first but I think I'm starting to get a hang of it...or not. 

After the first long exams, I realized how occupied I was with this emotional burden I've been carrying around since summer...then comes June, July...and now it's August. 

I'm a love junkie and we're talking about "Intimacy vs. Isolation"  here. 

Like any other girl, sorry for being typical but...I also have dreams about having a fairy tale like romance, family, a wonderful husband and 4 beautiful children, house and lot, car, beach, travel...etc. 

I want somebody to share

Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
He'll get my support
He will listen to me 
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
He'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking 
In fact He'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
He will understand me 
- "Somebody" by Depeche Mode, slightly revised it though

After spending 4 years in college, I thought my failed love encounters would endow me with enough wisdom and understanding about this overrated topic and that I would be somebody who's totally capable of handling and maintaining a mutual, intimate relationship...

but I was wrong.

It's like I'm back to basics. It's like I never learned anything at all. 'cause I keep on failing every now and then in the same subject. I know for certain and I've been telling myself over and over and over again that I shouldn't be wasting my time over this because it's taking up too much of my time and energy. It even affected my life decisions and my relationships with other people. 

I thought I found the perfect man. But. I realized that I am so not ready about it. 

It hit me. It hit me hard. So hard that I got a huge emotional bump. And it was painful. It was even more painful for him. Poor guy. :( I'm sorry.

I have a very bubbly and adventurous character and I am proud of this brave soul. However, I have my insecurities and weaknesses that I'd let my armor down a couple of times and allowed them to penetrate in the depths of my brain [okay, heart pumps blood, brain is the one responsible about feelings of love and existence, character, blahblahblah. get the picture?] 

And this handicap led to several heartaches after such momentous event.
Then, over and over I sulked around the corner, crying my heart out in the most dreadful, ugliest way, got alcohol to fill up my senses 'cause I was so alone, broken and miserable.

Then, there it goes...the post-heartbreak/emotional breakdown realizations jeez, I get a lot of them these past few weeks, my friends got fed up but they just love me so much they don't have any other choice but to listen and sermon and comment and offer beer and karaoke and hang out and revel in my misery, *sobs* I love you guys, you're the best!

I'm 21, single, alone and slightly desperate and miserable. But since I am back to my senses, I couldn't do anything but laugh at my past. I was a jerk. and reality don't have an undo button to change this 

Life is all about TIMING - this is the sanest rationalization I could come up with these past frustrating events. It's not just for me. It's not yet my time to prioritize this aspect of adulthood. God must have been nudging me to set my priorities straight 'cause He's still in the process of writing my perfect love story. There's a lot of fixing to do, renovation, improvement and make over so that when the time comes when this young doctor [refers to self] meets THE ONE...hypothetically, together, we'll live happily ever after. 

I've done a lot of mistakes in the past. A LOT. srsly, a.lot.of.mistakes. And apparently, I survived! Experience teaches us to be wise so that we can have a better life in the future. and when the same bell rings again, then that means there're some important lessons that we fail to learn or we have to relearn. 

I lived a life with a few regrets and I don't have any plans to add more to it. I lived a good life and I intend to make it better. So that when the time comes, I have a lot of good ol' stories in my past to tell.

In a few years time, the world population doubles or triples and in that billion lot, there's a single soul destined for me. Maybe I've already met him. Maybe not. Who knows? It's mystery but that can wait.

Hey Future Husband, I know you're just out there messing around, enjoying youth, making the most out of it. Please live a good life and be safe at all times. [I don't have plans to leave this planet without even knowing you yet].  Let's do our best and make the future proud. I'll make you an offer you can't refuse. 

Life is a never-ending process of learning [literally] and whenever it throws stones at you, always remember that the body is smart enough to heal bruises and wounds with time. We are in this constant battle versus existing with a purpose everyday. You could be happy or sad or indifferent or naughty. The feeling could vary from waking up in the morning to lying down in bed when night comes. The point is, you are so alive at this moment, on this day, on this millisecond that you spend reading my blog [for that I am thankful and I hope my words can reach through you, :*]

This road that I embraced for a life-long commitment is never easy and it gets harder and harder with every succeeding step. 

To my future self, 
I'll strive hard, don't worry.
Just wait for it, you'll have an M.D. after your name 

posted under |


Post a Comment

Newer Post Older Post Home


Recent Comments