It feels like eons have passed since I stopped writing down my feelings. And when I write about it, it’s not always the best feelings in the world. This is my guilty pleasure.

First, I just turned 23 and I’m writing this on the 23^rd of December. It doesn’t really have relevance, I just feel like noting this down. Don’t get me wrong, I was born on December 5.

This is technically a transition age for me because I have opened my doors to embrace the path to womanhood. Just kidding! I’m an XX, straight and basically far from being lady-like. So this year, I’ve sworn that I will acquire grace and poise and...whatever, I’ll just be myself, that’s fine. I like the way I am, I don’t think there’s enough reason for me to change that. So, screw stereotypes!

Second, I’m undergoing the ultimate stage of RECONFIGURATION.

It’s like in the world of gaming. And like in every game, the ultimate goal is to WIN. In order to win, you must have really good control of your character. And in terms of GOOD CONTROL – that means you should really have good stats, equipment, weapon, skills, and command. I believe that we exist in a pre-organized system. There is always a default in every setting and the experiences that we acquire as we venture in life modify the program.

Innovation always comes in between the lines. And this takes a matter of courage and creativity. Well, for me, I’ve decided to step up.

I’m an average person and like everybody else, I’ve succumbed into mediocrity for a couple of times in my temporal profile. I gained and lost then gained again. It’s always been a cycle.

It seems fitting when I say the world I’ve known circled down the drain into the abyss as I opened my eyes and let reality slowly sink into me. It’s the same but different earth from the way it was before. Still, it is earth – and this fact alone is reassuring.

As I sifted through the old memories, it came into my understanding that the mistakes in the past have been a recurrence in one way or another. They teach me one thing I’ve always failed to learn. And that was to love myself. Yes, this is basic; a default in every sense, but it’s always the one thing that most people fail to do. Love thy self. A sense of self preservation won’t hurt.

And so here it comes, tadaaa!!!

In a couple of days, we will enter a new year filled with hope and dreams, well desolation for some and demise for others, BUT...but there is still HOPE. This year has been the wildest, most varied year that I’ve had so far. And it was the most bittersweet with endings and new beginnings.

Come 2014 and I’ll show you how awesome I can be...with conviction!

Third, FOCUS.

I’m easily distracted and even though my goals are clear, I’m almost always late in achieving them. That’s because, well, I’m distracted.

You see, I lack focus. I’m the least organized person but being one does not mean I’m messed up. I’m just being spontaneous. There’s a thin line delineating these two.

There is no easy way for me to deliver this but...I know I’m good and I’m aware of my potentials and I’m aware that if I really put my mind into it, I can do it better than anybody else. And there’s one way for me to prove it and that’s embracing this skill, this capability and to hone it to level up. I’m done being a slacker. I’d rather be carefree. Acceptance is the key.

I am a wide-eyed wanderer and I travel a lot in my mind, in my thoughts, in the realms of my dreams and imagination. Well, I want to sharpen this skill.

I really want to travel. GO to places. Experience their culture. Meet new people. Capture scenery. And share this experience of a lifetime.

Initially, I started off with this blog to account my experiences as a novice in the field of medicine. Well in fact, it became more of a chronological contour of self growth.

I’ve decided that I will focus more in achieving my dream – to be one of the best doctors, to heal the world in my generation, to contribute more to society. And as I do that, I’d be the best person that I can be. Every day, there’s always a new thing to learn, a new stuff to discover, a new insight to build and this is the hope everybody is blabbering about. I’m always a late bloomer, but there it goes, it takes intense heat and pressure through time to make a diamond. Indeed, patience is a virtue.

I was once lost in track, and now I’ve gained a sense of direction.

Fourth, LOVE can wait.

I’ve been hasty and very aggressive. Many can attest to that. And I’m not denying this fact. It’s always nice to love somebody and to stay in love and to keep that love alive, well...it’s one of the recurrent affairs I’ve mentioned above.

After a handful of heartbreaks, it took me a lot of courage to live with the hurt every day and yes, it is wrong and I wanted to slap my past self so badly for being ridiculous and airhead in this aspect.

I’ve been a hopeless romantic and I think I’ll always be one.

So what’s in store for me?

LOVE CAN WAIT.

Seriously, there’s more to life than that.

And when it comes, be sure you don’t belong to someone else when the right one comes along. Don’t be hasty. There’s no need to rush.

Fifth, allies.

In order to defeat the dragon, you cannot do it alone. You need an army of allies who share the same goal with the passion that burns like yours. A party like no other.
No man is an island. You can be awesome on your own and you don’t need the cheerleader effect to compromise your weakness. But let's face it, it is always better, if not, best, to share the precious moment with others.

Like begets like, and this is true in any form. I like to stay positive in everything that I do. I like people who share the same outlook in life. It makes more sense to live. Sometimes, they become the reason why you wake up everyday. Friends. They bring sunshine after the rain, they even bring rainbow along with it.

I'm fortunate that I have the most awesome companions - who's been there through ups and downs, in the most fun and dull moments, whom I share memories with - family and friends. They matter the most.

A new chapter begins. 

The semester ended after five months of ‘wholesome’ medical education. Well, not really. Life was a very busy highway with defective traffic lights, detours and dead-ends. In the end, I realize, it was not the grades that matter the most. It was the retention. The way one processes information in order to come up with a very sound rationalization of the diagnosis and how to manage it.

The world is becoming more and more sophisticated. Doctors and researchers around the world are trying to fill in the generation gap among diseases and their concomitant evolution. Amidst the effort and the wishful thinking, cure is still hard to find elsewhere.

Then, it occurred to me. The world of medicine was not about people in white coats getting financially stable – it was about SAVING LIVES while SAVING YOUR SANITY in the process.

Studying medicine is indeed a privilege. It is an opportunity that comes once in a lifetime. It is a trade of youth, energy and resources. It is about exploring yourself and getting a second-third-fourth-and-so-on reality check whether you’re sane enough to decide upon yielding into this kind of life – just to have that coveted white coat with your name embroidered with M.D. on its great sanctity.

I just finished my first semester on my third year as a medical student. Like most standardized medical schools, I’m a semester away to step into the wards, clad in a “V-neck” white uniform with my stethoscope hanging around my neck – the typical Junior Intern.

But then...after a thorough self evaluation and sanity test, I was not surprised to find myself falling into an abyss of confusion. These past three years, I’ve spent my youth reading books and transcriptions and dealing with cases and partaking in class discussions – but I think I haven’t learned enough. I’m almost THIS CLOSE into believing that I haven’t learned anything at all.

I’m actually in an anxious state. I’ve been on constant debate with myself whether I’m fit for the job or not. I’ve been pondering what would have become of me if I took the other path and not this one. Actually, I’m afraid that what I lack will lead to my patient’s demise.

But...most doctors must have gone through this phase, I suppose. Oh well, *sigh*, this is just a phase. Everything will be alright. Hold on. This is a learning experience.

One must know its weakness in order to gain true strength.

I browsed over my old posts and they spoke in different tunes but of the same theme. I couldn’t help but smile as the memories hovered. It was worth the try. I’m not very well oriented to the world when this waterfall of emotions whirls inside my mind.

My love history now comes in a long list without even me realizing it. I admit that I’m surprised that I went a little beyond what was expected of me or what I expected for myself. I’m not proud of the number of guys I horded ‘cause everyone of them has our own story and it came along with a heartbreak in one way or another.

I got my heart broken and I was a heartbreaker, enough said. And along the process, I got tired of even thinking about how the whole thing went wrong.

Somehow, at 22, I realized that there’s a lot for me to learn and to find out about life in general. It is never enough. I’m always searching and asking for answers. My archer spirit is wilder than I thought.

I’d been the worst girlfriend and that held me back from committing the same mistakes as before. It was not easy. I had to reprogram almost everything because it was a part of me that needed the change, the ultimate intervention.

The truth is I’m afraid. I’m more than afraid to venture again in this kind of relationship. I’m too afraid to even try. After all, it was not that long when I just picked up the pieces of myself and became whole again.

Then, I’m with YOU.

It’s been a month and I couldn’t promise you anything but this kind of LOVE and to be yours, and yours alone. It is troubling at first but doing it with you, being with you by my side, giving you everything there is to give – Yes, with you. I don’t mind the trouble.

I always find my way with words, with my writings, but with you, words are not enough to express what I feel. You are the exception. It is early to tell and there’s a lot that needs progress. There are a lot of things we don’t know about each other.  

But I can wait. I will wait. I’m looking forward to where this is going.

Hey, stranger, I can tell now why people say “love is sweeter the second time around.” It’s because we learn from our past mistakes. They make us better. They make us stronger. And that second time they’re pertaining to chances. Give it your best shot while you still can because you’ll never know what will happen next. Tomorrow comes eventually but the moment does not linger forever.