As I skimmed through the pages of my journal, I was taken aback at the empty sheets dated months ago. I scribbled my pen on the seventh of June and it sank into me how time flew so fast. 

The realization dawned that despite my chronological age, it seemed that I haven’t lived my life at all. Cowardice grew on my nerves these past years and I hindered my own growth. I was my own pathogen – that degenerate every fiber of my being.

To mask my own weakness, I’ve been pointing out to others the blame for my handicap. It never did occur to me that way – I just realized it until now. I always thought that I was strong enough to carry on, however, I proved myself wrong. My worst enemy is myself. And the worst thing that can happen is to pretend to be my own hero. 

I whine every once in a while to other people about my doubts and insecurities in this cosmos. I just happen to create this blog for that purpose. It was a very wrong reason to start with. However, as the page views grew up and the feedbacks flooded, I couldn’t help but think all over again my resolve.

If I did want to seek attention, then I would have endorsed my blog to more popular sites. If all that I wanted was for my life to be broadcasted in the entirety of human race, then I would have posted my journal entries instead of my meandering thoughts. 

The point is, the moment you are reading these words mean something – we are having an intimate conversation. I knew that somehow I am making some sense out of the randomness and in between the wrong grammar. And I am very grateful for spending your precious time reading the ups and downs of my existence. 

I have a lot of friends and I consider myself lucky enough to choose among the pool of strangers whom to put my trust. However, there’s just too many of these pent-up emotions that I couldn’t apprehend. They surge out of my system. I need to vent it out eventually. 

You might know me, you might not, or you thought you knew but you might not really know me at all. We are friends but we are strangers at the same time, and vice versa.

As I listened to Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car, I imagined myself flying above the troposphere. The air gets colder as I rise higher and the chilly wind caresses my skin like a blanket. I always dreamt about it – it is hauntingly beautiful. The bittersweet experience sometimes skulks in and consumes me. Then, all of a sudden, I wake up hollow and numb. 

I always get the feeling that I’m not good enough. My past self seems to cry upon seeing my current state. What have become of me? What have become of my dreams? 

I admit that my past posts tackled relentlessly about heart aches and break ups. Well, I just couldn’t bring myself to delete them. They’re reminiscence of the dark ages that actually made me stronger.

There’s always a right timing to everything. We commit mistakes for a reason. One error is not worse than the other. It doesn’t matter who committed the bigger or lesser fault. No matter how small or big things are, they should not be taken for granted. They affect the future in the same manner but at a different magnitude. I wouldn’t know if my 16-year old self could have known better if she’d chosen a path different from mine. Nobody knows what would happen if I made a discrete decision back then. My past self wouldn’t understand how painful ‘pain’ is. I didn’t know any better. I learned it at 22. It’s better late than never.

 

Past is past. No matter how you wish to undo things, it won’t matter anymore. Otherwise, you won’t know better.

Summer is on the brink of nonexistence. Days from now, I’ll be in my junior year in medicine. In fact, I am so occupied to write away my musings about medschool and the likes. Hence, I contradict myself once again. “Medstudblues” or Medical Student Blues – originally, I intended to put up a blog to document the most astonishing, awesome and rewarding moments that I had during my stay in med school. Then again, it turned out to be a window for soul searching and self discovery.

I even made a bet with myself that in a few years from now I will be rereading my old posts and I will be self diagnosing in the Psychiatry Department. Nonetheless, I am very sane and functional – just a little bit unstable.

For a while, I’ve spend some time reading thought catalogue and life manuals on how to get over with the heartbreaks and to move on without holding back. On the other hand, nothing seemed to pierce through me. 

I’ve always clung on to the past and I locked myself up in the cage where I was once been. There are a lot of things that I regret of doing and not doing so. Everybody shares the same pain.

It is inevitable. Others choose to repent and to atone for what they have done wrong. While for some, they choose to resent and stay the same in order to relive the moment that was once lost. I am an epitome of the latter.

However, I refuse to be a coward anymore. I wanted to live life to the fullest. I am incredibly sick of doing things halfheartedly and dwelling in the past. And this time, I wanted to give it my all. I am taking the risk no matter where it’ll take me.

I can fail once in a while. I might stumble and fall. But as long as I keep on going, I know deep in my heart that no matter how hard it is to achieve my dream of becoming a healer I can do it.

But don’t get me wrong. I am not letting go of the past. Yes, it was painful. I was naïve. I was ignorant and stupid. I was silly – and who knows tomorrow I will still be silly. But, the scars from the wounds of the lost time remains in the present and I’ll be bringing this for the days to come.

To the past I thank thee because I’ve grown stronger and wiser. You have always been a part of me and all there was. That’s why no matter what happens, I am not letting you go. You’ll always be an admonition for me to go on and to grow as I venture in maturity. I am no longer obliging myself to live in your pages. What’s done is done. All I can do now is to live in the moment. And I vow to myself that my future will not lose to the past. It will definitely be more awesome.

After all, I am my own hero.