to be at peace with yourself is the most important thing after break up

I just got out of a serious relationship.It's not him, it's me.I'm the one who messed up.
and I got away using the worst method of all time - BREAK UP TEXT.
yes, break up text. definitely, the worst dude!
Dafuq! Punch me now! lol, just kidding. That hurts. But not as hurtful as the pain I inflicted to his heart. 
Okay. serious business. 


Why text?
'cause I wanted him to remember me as the worst person he's ever been with.


No joke. 


I've been with him for almost 2 years and all I did was to break his heart. Sorry, I ain't just the girl you were looking for. Well...I used to think I was. 


I've fallen in love several times with several people and believe it or not...I think he was the best person among any other guys I've been with. Official or not official.


But looking back, I'd got plenty of regrets and my insides were always in battle mode. I'd been kicking myself back to reality but all I can see was a pitch black future for my supposed-to-be-husband-to-be 
if I continued to be the mess I was.


You see, I was the luckiest girl in the world for having the most ideal boyfriend that the universe could offer to a med student like me. First year med was a roller coaster ride. I barely passed the quizzes, the exams were what-the-fuck, the sleepless nights were endless...but second year...is busier. and the years after that.


He did a lot of things for me. A LOT. I need not to elaborate. There's just too many I have to kill myself to remember it all. But...then I got terrified...to the thought that I'd be with this person for the rest of my life.  I was ever more scared of being so unsure and doubtful about this "us" thing. Maybe, my deceitful mind was playing tricks on my hopelessly romantic character.
I was unsatisfied. I got bored. and I'd fallen out eventually. 


My dreams were even bigger than my physique and I got guilty every now and then when we talked about it under the moonlight...'cause I was always in his plans...and he...well, he wasn't always in mine.
Yes, I was too selfish for my own good.


He treated me like a princess BUT I didn't deserve to be treated like that after everything. I was more convinced that he should be with the better version of me. and I tried to be better for him. I did try.
However, the spirits of the world connived against this aspiration. I was unsuccessful.
The fights became frequent and forgiveness became an excuse to kiss and make out again. I hated it. 




I told him I was so messed up but he said he would fix me, I just had to give him the chance.
But seriously, he earned it to be with someone who's worth the fixing. In the end, I just got erratic for letting myself under his spell. I shouldn't have denied myself. See, in the end, all I did was to project it on him.
Projection, what a fucking excuse to cover my weakness. Ooops, my bad.




My reasons and methods could be so low and petty but I don't want to feign my affections anymore. 
It took me months to summon the courage to finally break the ice.
I'm sorry. But I believe I made the right choice. 


If I wanted to change, I'd changed in the first.  I didn't need any fixing from anybody else 'cause I'm the only one who can do it for myself. Being messed up was a way for me to learn. So, thank you. 


To trigger love just to change a person is not so LOVE-y at all. I mean, for me, you will love somebody for being the way he is and not for the sake of the thrill of pushing him to be the person you want him to be.


Oh, the thrill.
Most people loved it.



Hey future husband, if you ever read this post, I want you to know that I'm at peace with myself now
and...I know, I can still do better than this. 


and the moment you meet me, I promise you the best ME that the universe can offer.





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