the universe conspires to kick my ass

okay. so I'm spending more time updating my blog than actual studying, just for tonight.
I'm not in the mood it goes.

I'm in my second year med and I'm so pump up to practice my PDR (Patient-Doctor Relationship).

June 22, 2012
I had an actual encounter with a patient in med ward for history taking.
And I cried a little later after that fateful incident.

We're taught not to get too attached with patients. Okay, so I'm kinda lame on this part. My premed was basic science so I didn't get the chance to interact with patients before.

And my first time pierced through my stable emotional shield. CC was DOB; suffered from septicemia a week after admission; acquired pneumonia after that; end stage renal diseases; has poorly controlled DM and HPN. He also undergone tracheostomy and RL has pitting edema. Okay, I guess that's enough description. 

There're more severe cases than this one, they say. But the theories didn't teach me to turn my heart into stone at the sight of this patient. Someday, I'll get used to it but I don't want to lose the heart that keeps on beating with the purpose to heal the world.

A week later, we successfully acquired a sexual history from another patient, this time in OPD. And it was one of the most awkward encounters ever. You see, Philippines is still conservative when it comes to discussing sexual matters -  especially with strangers. 

Then, the Ophtha session started. I was unprepared for recitations. I felt so dumb and helpless and first year med was buried in the darkest corners of my hippocampus. I need to seriously dig in my notes - I'll take it as an advance preparation for my long term goals.

I'm struggling in med school. The experience is so new to me. Everything seems to be so fast tracked and fleeting. And I wonder why I didn't notice it before.

Maybe because I was too preoccupied with "Isolation vs. Intimacy" and I picked the latter more intense above anything else. Excuses. 

I got disappointed, at first. About the school. The system. The environment. The frustration of not being accepted in my dream school. It took me long to conquer this. And then, I got back on track.

Disappointments and frustrations are just a part of this prolonged adolescent state. The bigger part lies on how to deal with it.

I stumble and fall once in a while, but there's no use holding back, so I'd rather stand up and move forward. 

As long as the opportunity's still here, I'm grabbing it with both hands. And my grip gets tighter and tighter each passing day.
To my fellow aspiring doctors, let's live the dream.

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